i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
