i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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