omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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