When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
