Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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