if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize