i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
