Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
