You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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