No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
