Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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