my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
