phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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