Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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