We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You dont lie about slip and slides
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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