Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
