I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
