if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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