I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
