I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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