omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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