Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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