Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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