Got a toothbrush?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
