mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
