I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
