To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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