when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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