After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
