there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
