i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
