Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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