Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
