how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
