I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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