69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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