I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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