I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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