There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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