the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
