I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
