i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize