If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
