Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
