Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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