I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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