you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The Olympian is in my bed
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
