Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Congratulations! We have a period
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