Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
