I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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