im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I see more hoeing in ur future
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
