I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize