I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize