So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My vagina just clenched in fear
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
