My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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