It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
