i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
