I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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