yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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