I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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