guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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