Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
This toilet bowl is my home.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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