I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
