You can't special order awesome
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
