I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
