Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
